Heroes Amalgamated

Deadpool's Summary

Here’s what’s been going on in previous issues:

Way back in issue #1, the Wrecking Crew ended up with a cosmic cube and, since we were somewhat partially involved in letting them get it, we were tasked with hunting them down. The Wrecker has used the cube to set up a pleasure dome in New Jersey, full of bikini babes and other D-list villains.

The Wrecker was simply using the cube to send out mooks to rob banks. We intercepted one of the robberies lead by Taskmaster. We subdued them, and got the info about how to enter this pleasure dome from Taskmaster. Essentially, just ring the doorbell. If you’re on the list, you’re in.

I (Deadpool), took Taskmaster’s costume, and we all piled into the van and drove down to Jersey. Well, Thor drove.

While I sat in the back chatting with a tied, bound, gagged and now Deadpool-masked Taskmaster, the “grown ups” up front could only talk about “not letting Deadpool get the cosmic cube.”

To cut a long story short, we did a bunch of stuff, a bunch of stuff happened, and now Deadpool has the cosmic cube.

Apparently, Thanos and Dr. Doom want it though…

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Bank Robbing Goons
An Even Worse Team Than Ours

Heores:
Thor, God of Thunder
Deadpool
Warbird
Moon Knight

Villians:
Taskmaster – CAPTURED
Crossbones (is that right?) – CAPTURED
Jack-o-Lantern – CAPTURED
Hydroman – ESCAPED

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Wrecking Crew: Chewed and Cubed

The Wrecking Crew (The Wrecker, Thunderball, Piledriver, and Bulldozer) show up outside the home of Ed Gross, a wealthy collector of superhero paraphernalia. The Wrecker has known of Gross for some time and was waiting for a good time to pull a heist and score some high-powered or expensive gear. He’d even heard rumors that a Cosmic Cube was here, or possibly Thor’s hammer. He figured with all the NYC heroes busy with the breakout, the time was right.

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It turns out Mjolnir was not present in Gross’ collection, but a Cosmic Cube was. The Wrecking Crew was facing certain defeat — indeed, Wrecker himself appeared to have been killed by Deadpool. However, Thunderball somehow made it into Gross’ basement gallery, where the Cube was displayed prominently. He took it and immediately used its unfathomable power to teleport himself and the rest of the Crew away. Their whereabouts remain unknown…for now. It also unknown which Cosmic Cube was stolen, and how Gross obtained it in the first place.

Immediately following this event, Uatu the Watcher observed the divergence from primary Marvel continuity and designated this new reality Earth-14216.

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Breakout Part 2

You’re in the jungle. Sauron and Yelena Belova (the “bad” Black Widow) lie unconscious. Two SHIELD agents have dropped their weapons and surrendered. They seem terribly eager to talk to you. The other mutates are cowed once Sauron is defeated. They are a cringing, submissive lot, but who knows what they’ve endured?

Questioning the SHIELD agents, they reveal that Belova has been taking orders from someone high up within SHIELD, but they don’t know who. Her communications were encoded and digitally signed with a very high level security clearance passkey. They point out that she stopped communicating with SHIELD (other than her secret contact) once these messages started arriving, so their base here in the Savage Land became very isolated. They appear uncomfortable discussing the SHIELD base and suggest you should see it for yourself. They mutter things about “Following orders,” and one of them makes sure you know that Belova put a bullet in the head of at least one agent that disobeyed her.

When you get to the SHIELD base, you find a few dozen Savage Land mutates mining Anatarctic vibranium – digging, hauling, etc. All under the watchful gaze of some armed SHIELD agents. When the agents see you coming, pushing the bound Belova ahead of you, they drop their weapons and raise their hands. You hear some of them say things like, “Thank god!”

Just then, one of the agents gets a call on his earpiece radio. He cocks his head to listen, then his eyes get really wide and he looks up into the sky. The SHIELD helicarrier comes roaring over the horizon. All the SHIELD agents and mutates flee in terror, vanishing into the jungle. A giant flying aircraft carrier is now above the SHIELD base. The 16-inch guns turn to bear on the base.

Helicarrier1 zps0227de98

Deadpool waves at the helicarrier and calls up:

“Hey! Hey! Look! It’s me! Deadpool! SUPER-AGENT Deadpool!”
I don’t think they can hear us.
OF COURSE THEY CAN’T HEAR US!
“What do you mean? I’m yelling loud enough. Plus they can see me.”
You think that will prevent them from shooting?
“Well, not usually. These are special circumstances.”
Circumstances wherein you’ve captured one of their agents and currently occupy a super secret base.
“I’m not following you.”

most of Deadpool’s internal/external dialogue drowned out by the sound of 16" guns firing.

16 inch guns

The SHIELD base has gone away.

Those of you with radio equipment pick up a broadband signal from the helicarrier. It’s acting director Maria Hill. “This was never a base. There was never a problem here. Yelena Belova has never worked for SHIELD. This craft was never here. You were never here.”

The helicarrier starts to fly away.

Thor flies onto the carrier and barges into Hill’s command center. Hill throws up a Wall of Official Denial. “SHIELD does not now nor has it ever had a base in the Savage Land. There are no internal problems in SHIELD. If there were it would be my responsibility, or failing that, my second in command’s responsibility, to deal with it. Not yours. You may call yourself a god, but you have zero authority here. I know it may be difficult to get concepts like ‘chain of command’ into that pretty blonde head, so just trust me on this. Go away.”

Maria hill bitch

Thor notices that a squad of SHIELD Capekiller units (specially trained and designed to take out supers) have followed you into the command center.

Thor scoffs. “Listen to you. Condemned by you own mouth. Hypocrisy and obfuscation. ‘There are no internal problems in SHIELD?’ Your most secure prison has been disabled by a villain hired by one of your agents. ‘SHIELD has no base in the savage lands?’ The evidence below belies your words. Yet, you do not face these problems. You proclaim them to not exist, attempting to obliterate them with your biggest guns.”

The sky begins to darken around the carrier. thunder rumbles in the distance.

“It is your responsibility to deal with these things. Your response has been to deny them. This is a failure, if not a complete abrogation of that responsibility. Yet now, when called to account for your dereliction and malfeasance you pitifully attempt to cloak yourself in ‘authority’ and ‘chain-of-command,’ evidently oblivious to the absurdity of you own words. Your ‘chain-of-command’ only possesses such ‘authority’ as it can enforce.

Lightning tears the sky .

“Force, my dear, is violence, the supreme authority, from which all other authority derives.”

Thunder peals around the ship as it is tossed about by savage turbulence.

Angry thor

“I do not call myself a god. I AM A GOD. I am not beholden to you. Midgard is under my protection! So long as you do not interfere, your ‘chain-of-command’ may do as it likes. But you have interfered. And now you risk the lives of all these others to protect yourself. The act of a coward.

“Know this all of you!” Thor’s voice thunders about the ship. “Maria Hill has manifested her unfitness for the post she now holds. Because her position puts your lives in peril, I leave it to you to sort this out yourselves. When I return, I expect three things: explanation, contrition and correction. Failing that, you may all of you suffer for her Hubris!”

Quieter “Then you and I, Maria Hill, will have another conversation about power.”

Thor blasts through the hull of the ship into the thundering sky.

Thor2

As Thor departs the carrier thunderously, Deadpool, who had been standing, unnoticed behind Director Hill with his arms crossed, shouts above the the noise of the wind and thunder:

“DON’T WORRY. HE GETS LIKE THIS WHEN HE’S MAD. HE’S JUST GOTTA BLOW OFF SOME STEAM.”

178px deadpool

As another peel of thunder pounds the carrier, Deadpool adds: “OK. MAYBE MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE.”

He begins sprinting to the gaping hole in the bridge. “Better fix things here or he’ll do some things you don’t like. But you don’t have to take my word for it.”

And has he leaps from the hole, music travels back to the various occupants of the bridge: “Butterfly in the sky… I can fly twice as highhhh…”

Deadpool

After Thor and Deadpool depart, Director Hill discovers a message flickering on the helicarrier monitors:

To: Director Hill
Re: God Complex
__
Hi! It’s Agent… SUPER-Agent Wilson (Deadpool, the merc with the mouth, etc.). Seems you have a Thor problem. Luckily, I’m positioned to take care of it… temporarily. Get your shit together, sweet sista (Luke Cage taught me that one). Deee Peee gots T-dawg on the leash and we’re going huntin varmints.
__
Sincerely yours,
Wade

Mariahillshield4

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